I am good. I dancing. Drinking but dancing fine.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Nah, i wasn't offended. Having a bridesmaid who you had had multiple threesomes with your future husband would be weird.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
