I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
I am talking to a naked lesbian about robots. I think this means I win life.
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
Randomize
