i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Dude. I need you to practice dancing around in your banana hamock. Party boy style. I'll call later with details.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
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