she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
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