If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I feel like I shouldn't be encouraging my friends to hook up with their teachers.....but if it's for academic reasons....then I definitely encourage it.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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