I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
