Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
So the 25yr old smokeshow I fucked last night said "Prepare to be disappointed" as he put the condom on. I was. 40 is bullshit.
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
