he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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