porn star boner night. come get it.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Sorry you saw my balls. Pregame includes a lot of shaving.
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize