im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
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