Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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