The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
Randomize
