I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
he's just a really huge penis that sells weed
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
