so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
