I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Randomize
