I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Where is everybody?
It's pretty much split between the strip club and jail.
Randomize
