I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
Why are there four guys spooning on the living room floor?
They're still there? Shit. They were supposed to leave after they hugged it out.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
Randomize
