Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
We were laying in the basement dry humping to the rhythm of the washing machine
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
