i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I knew he was a classy dude because when I told him my name was Jen he said "Gin? Like Gin & Juice?"
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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