Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
Randomize
