He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You just accidentally called me. You kept saying "Really?! Really?!!" So I can only assume you are having sub par sex
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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