Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
