I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
ANNA HAS DISCOVERED EROTIC FANFICTION OF SHARKNADO THIS IS NOT A DRILL
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
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