my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I'm now consulting a magic eight ball on all major life decisions. On another note I think I have chlamydia.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
