I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize