im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
Randomize
