I met the friendliest cop last night
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
