onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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