Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
All I have are vague memories of us eating ham?
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
We smell like vodka and hangover
thanks for the bj man. also make sure you close the gate behind you. the chickens are out.
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