I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I am drunk please bring Taco Bell and sex
Never mind I found pizza just bring sex
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
