What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Can you bring me the toilet please
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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