you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
We got so high we made milksteak
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Randomize
