Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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