in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
