Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
Randomize
