I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
I think i blacked out...but i remember licking your teeth
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
If I could drink as much and have the amount of sex he has at his age, well I'd probably be dead
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
There is a couple fucking in the outback bathroom and at first I thought it was sick but than I remembered my Outback fantasy with you and decided I can't pass judgements.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
The neighbors ahemed the WHOLE time. Their kids are the ones that scream loud enough for me to remember my birth control. It's payback!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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