The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
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