I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
Does it still count as a "walk of shame" if it's only 1am?
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
