I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I think my body is literally trying to get me to reproduce. "fuck someone! Anyone!" - my body
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
