It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
The chick got into the cab with us and said we have 3 chances to guess what she just stuck up her ass. Hello to you to!
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
Randomize
