I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
we will now reference it as "the infamous double dick night"
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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