i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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