I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I cant wait to tell our kids we met because you subscribed to my onlyfans.
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