Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
dude the last time we saw him was 2 nights ago when he was yelling that the trees were naked or some shit then he ran into the forest. I think its time for a search party
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