I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I'd climb him like a horny MILF spider monkey.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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