Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
So you called me the queen of nudes yesterday and I'm still not sure how I feel about it
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Randomize
