so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
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