Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
So I think his penis grew over the weekend. Is that possible or does absence make the dick grow longer?
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
How's dating the med student working out for you?
After we had sex last night he showed me where my spleen was.
A true anatomy project.
I feel like there's no sexy way to pull 12 condoms out of your bra.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
