The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
You know how I got mad at him for making out with his formal date? Apparently I fucked mine. I'm guessing any exclusivity is out of the question.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
You know that we wouldn’t even be talking about all this if you would have kept your candy consumption judgement comments to yourself.
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