My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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