I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
What should our trivia night team be named?
Define Statutory
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
I love when groups of boys part so I can walk through. It's like a red sea of penises, and I am their Moses.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
