hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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