I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
Willing booties have sort of a tractor beam for me.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize
