You give one guy a hand job and suddenly everyone wants to get with you
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
peeing off your aunts pourch into the koy pond seemed like a good idea at the time
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
So roofie roulette was a success but I'm a little worried that the 2 who got the tainted beer still haven't contacted anyone...
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
Randomize
